I hate movie fans. I ain't gonna lie. Your average 'fan' is really just a person who watches movies frequently. I consider myself not a fan, but a connoisseur. Believe me, I know how arrogant and self-absorbed that sounds. I just don't care because quite honestly, it's true. I decided to compile a list of requirements (no, certain characteristics aren't debatable, come on) that deem one a connioseuer:
1. You can sit through a movie that exceeds 3 hours regardless of the subject matter and, unless truly horrible, not turn it off because of the length. The ultimate test being Inland Empire on five hours rest at 10 pm when having to wake up at 5 am.
2. You cannot argue with someone who believes the Godfather I and II are not one of the best movies ever made. In my opinion, there are a handful of movies that if anybody said they were the best I would not argue. The Godfathers are a barometer that is set to weed out the weak.
3. You can watch a movie made before 1970.
4. You can watch a silent film.
5. You can name at least one actor who is in everything but is not a lead actor. Added props if you can recognize extras.
6. You can not only quote a movie, you could quote the conversation that the quote you used took place.
7. You understand why Plan 9 From Outer Space is so terrible. And I don't mean, "Cause it was so bad!" I mean why it was so bad.
8. You have a favorite director/writer/actor who 90% of people have no idea who they are.
9. You don't cringe at the thought of watching a foreign film.
10. When Tom Cruise is on screen, you generally become nauseous.
11. When Marlon Brando screams, "I coulda been a contender!" you get a boner (ok, not really...but really...)
12. You often need a minute to compose yourself as the credits roll because you literally.........cannot.....speak......
If you meet these requirements, you are a friend of mine. If not, I offer you no points and may God have mercy on your soul (it'd be nice if you could name the movie that was from, too).
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